Orochimaru and Gai's Youthful Crack
by Merro
Summary: CRACK. Gai and Orochimaru... in love! Sasuke held captive and forced to drink raw egg and sheep ear juice home made by Lee! Find out what happens in this crazily unlikely scenario!
1. 1 A youthful Encounter

Wrapping a snake around my face so that no one will recognise me as I walk through the busy streets of Konoha, I instinctively move towards my destination, little Sasuke at my heels.

"Psst, Sasuke-kun, where are we again?" I hiss as I realize I have no idea where I'm heading.

"Keep going for two more blocks, turn right and he's the third door on the left." Sasuke sighs, disappointed at my lack of direction.

"Ah yes, I remember now." I tell him, although I still have no idea.

I follow Sasuke past various buildings until we arrive outside a bright green house, sparkling in the glare of the sun. This _must_ be his house. I reach out my fist and loudly thump on the orange door. I decide if he isn't in I'll put a live snake in his bed, I'm sure he would appreciate a gift like that. But I am pleased to hear the familiar sound of a lock being undone and the door slowly opens to reveal… Might Gai.

"Gai-kun! How are you?" I exclaim, throwing the snake off my face and onto his carpet.

"Ah! Oro-kun! Just the same as I remember, but your youth has shrivelled out of your skin! And your hair is starting to shed. What happened to your youthful bowl cut?" Gai says, throwing his arms around my neck, giving me a big sloppy grandma kiss on my bald patch. Sasuke watches me with a disgusted expression on his porcelain white face. I decide he must want to join in.

"Sasuke-kun, when you are older, you will have many experiences like this, but for now you must content yourself with watching, no matter how painful it is to watch, it is still considered part of your training!" I lecture him. Sasuke throws up in Gai's rose bush of youth.

Looking up at me weakly, he whispers, "You had a bowl cut?!"

"Why don't you come in and I'll make you both a youthful energy drink!" Gai shouts, punching his fist into the air. "Lee-kun! Get the radishes and raw eggs, while you're at it you could put on the stove because we're going to make some 'Gai's special blend' ENERGY DRINKS!"

"YOSH! I will do my best Gai-sensei!" I hear, a far off yell coming from somewhere inside the house.

"Come in! You too, Sasuke-chan, you can play out back with Lee-kun while Orochimaru-sensei and I catch up on some conversation!" Gai says, poking a fuming Sasuke on the nose. Gai then takes me by the hand and leads my into his sitting room.

"You can take a seat here while Lee-kun and I make you a nice warm drink." He says, patting me on the shoulder and leaving the room.

"Who is maniac?! I demand to know why you brought me into this house!" Sasuke screams at me the minute Gai is gone.

"Don't be so mean, Sasuke-kun! Gai-kun is just as strange as you or I, so you have no right to treat him like he's some kind of leper!" I wave my finger at Sasuke as I speak. We both turn around as a loud clattering sound comes from the kitchen, and shouts of "_Lee, you've cooked those jellyfish eggs wrong! Put those sheep ears back where they belong!" "Sorry Gai-sensei! I'll put them in to boil with the cat heart, radishes and super hot chilli peppers!" "You're learning well! Now hand me the eggs and get back to work!"_

Sasuke turns a shade of white I never thought existed, and runs out of the room.

"Sasuke-kun, the toilet isn't that way-" I am cut off by the sound of Sasuke throwing up in Gai's hall. What an embarrassment he is! But I hear footsteps and turn around to see Gai carrying a tray of drinks. Wearing a pair of bright green speedos and his usual orange leg warmers.

I have to stop my self from saying _Gai, I want your youthful body to be mine!_ Instead I smile pleasantly and say "You look lovely! Are those designer pants?"

"Why, yes they are!" He says, flattered by my compliment. He hands me a glass full of baby poo brown liquid, topped with a raw egg floating like a crap that won't flush. "I made this one especially good, just for you…"

"Oh… thankyou very much… SASUKE-KUN GET OUT HERE, DON'T MAKE US ALL WAIT FOR YOU TO FINISH EMPTYING YOUR STOMACH ON THE CARPET!!" I yell, hoping that Sasuke will come in and try this foul looking substance before I touch it.

"Uhh, Gai-sensei, was this cat alive before today?" Sasuke says quietly, supporting himself on the wall, holding a limp ball of fur.

Lee freezes, holding his hand to his mouth. "Fluffy!! What happened?!" He wails, snatching the animal from Sasuke and clutching it to his chest.

"Um, well… you know how I was, er, kinda sick on your carpet…? Well, let's just say the cat got in the way, and er… yeah…" Sasuke blushes, leaving Lee snivelling into the dirty creature.

"Never mind that, it's all in the past now!" I exclaim, eager to get Sasuke to try the drink. "Sasuke-kun, have a nice big sip of this to calm you down!" I tell him, handing the glass to him, trying not to gag at the passing smell.

His wide eyes connect with mine, silently praying for me not to make him drink it. I snort and pour the whole glass down his throat. The reaction is… fairly unpredictable. His eyes begin to bulge, face turning a bright shade of green, his whole body shaking violently. "FIRE!!" He finally screams, and commences with running around the room, tipping over every chair and table in his sight.

"Sasuke-kun, get over here and stop embarrassing me!" I shake my head at him. "Er, Gai-kun, I think I'm going to have to refuse your drink, I'm very sorry but I seem to have lost my appetite at the moment…" I look apologetically at Gai, then decide to go for a different approach and use all my ultimate sexiness to seduce him into letting me off. I attempt to lick my lips, but end up cleaning my eyeballs by accident instead.

Gai looks like a lost puppy. "Very well then… but please, let me make you some dinner later! You will be staying over night won't you?" He perks up, waiting for an answer.

This is an offer I can't refuse! Alone time with Gai?! Lock Sasuke away with the creepy little Lee kid, and then… Gai will be all mine!

"Oh yes, we'll be staying!" I answer, perhaps a little too quickly.

"Great! Sorry, we don't have enough space for you to have your own room… but you can share with me if that's okay?"

"Oh, I'm okay with that…" I say in mock disappointment.

This is going to be the most fun I've had in a while, I think while rubbing my hands together.

--

**Kyaa!! And that's the end of chapter one. I'll be writing more of this crack, wether you like it or not. But reviews are welcome anyway. I love suggestions, so tell me something funny and I'll put it in… hehe…**

**Thanks to flamablezombie for helping out… you smell like a grandpa dog, you do.**


	2. 2 A youthful Meal

"Kids, here are your dinners!" says Gai, handing Sasuke and Lee each a plate of dirt encrusted carrots and termite eggs. "Growing ninjas need healthy food!"

"Thanks Gai-sensei!!" Says Lee, running outside.

"Sasuke-kun, what do you say? Look, Gai-Sensei has prepared this lovely meal for you, and all you can do is stand there gaping like a fish? Haven't I taught you manners?!" I say, with my hands on my hips.

"…hn." Says Sasuke, and tips it into the bin when Gai isn't looking.

"Oh, you've got to love their undying youthfulness!" Gai says, shaking his head to show how proud he is of Lee.

"You sure do…" I agree, although my intentions are very different to what he thinks.

Gai hands me a plate with what looks like a catfish on it.

"Oh… this looks… appetizing… " I say.

"Why thank you, I ran it over the other day!" Gai replies looking proud.

I stick my fork into it and a spray of maggots erupt and land on my bald patch, oozing down my face.

"Let me get that for you…" says Gai, licking my face. "The maggots are the best part of road kill, full of protein. They are really good for a growing youth! Lee-kun eats them all the time."

I suppress a smile and glow with pleasure as Gai's rough wet tongue caresses my face. It feels like the kiss of a large slobbering dog when it jumps up to greet you.

I open my eyes to see that Gai is no longer licking me, but Kakashi! I try to tell him I'm clean and don't need any more licking, but he cuts me short with a loud bark before prancing outside like a drunken donkey, leaving a trail of poo behind him.

"Bad Kakashi! Out of the house! You know you're not allowed in here! LEE-KUN, DID YOU LET KAKASHI OFF HIS CHAIN AGAIN?" Gai shouts. "I'm sorry Oro-kun, he's not toilet trained yet, we only got him the other day at the dog pound. A youthful old fellow brought him there after finding him eating cats out of trash cans and chasing his non-existent tail."

"Ah… I see…" I nod. Didn't Kakashi used to be my arch-nemesis? No, that was the other Kakashi… must have been his identical evil twin brother… Kakashi Number 2! Or was it Kakashi Number 3?!

"Why do you look so worried? Was it something in the road kill? It should be good, it was fairly fresh, only a couple of days out in the sun with the flies!" Gai says, interrupting my thoughts.

"No, no, the food was lovely!" I say, watching my catfish flop out the door and bite Sasuke on the butt, taking off with his pants. Lee chases it away with a broom stick and runs inside to Gai.

"Gai-sensei, Sasuke-chan needs new pants!" Lee says, lustfully looking outside at the pantless Sasuke.

"Don't worry, he can borrow my speedos!"

"Oh, no that's alright Gai-Sensei, I have a spare spandex body suit he can have!" Lee yells, running over to the washing machine. "He doesn't mind if they're wet, does he?"

"Sasuke-kun doesn't mind, I'm sure he will be delighted at your generosity!" I say, patting him on the head. His hair feels like an oily poodle that is in desperate need of a bath. "Sasuke-kun! Come here, Lee has found you a nice outfit to wear!" I shout. Sasuke walks in, as red as an old newspaper, covering his pink flowery girls underpants with one of the carrots Gai prepared earlier. Lee hands him the soaking wet, sweat stained piece of cloth, the manly stench unbearable from where I am. Sasuke turns a shade of green almost as bright as the spandex itself.

"I am _not_ wearing that _thing_" He says, crossing his arms and glaring daggers at me.

"Sasuke-kun, let's not be difficult… quick, Gai-kun, Lee-chan hold him down while I put the spandex on him!" They leap into action, Lee sitting on his chest and Gai pinning his arms to the floor. I force the dripping outfit onto his struggling legs. "Lee, would you mind taking off his shirt so I can pull the spandex up some more?"

"With pleasure…" says Lee, his eyes glistening.

"NO, GET THE HELL OF ME!!" Sasuke screams, thrashing wilder as lee peels off his top.

Finally, we manage to dress him in the tight green body suit. He stands up, dripping water all over the floor, as scrawny as a wet cat, and turns to me.

"Never, I repeat, _never_ make me wear _anything_ like this ever again, do you understand?!" He yells, stalking over to me and grabbing me by the neck. I wrap my tongue around his arm.

"Thorry Thathuke-kun, but I can't have you going around with no panth on, can I? What would the neighbourth think! Konoha would no longer be thcared of me, they would jutht think about how ridiculouth I looked walking around with a pantleth ninja next to me." I try to say, before Sasuke pulls his arm away in disgust and my tongue returns to its rightful place in my mouth. I notice Lee eyeing my Sasuke with what looks like a kinky expression. What if he also wants Sasuke's body?! I swear I will fight him to the death if it means I will win Sasuke when I need to possess him. That Lee… I had better keep a close watch on him, just to make sure he doesn't try anything. I put on my most frightening glare and proceed to push him away with telekinesis.

"Er… would you look at the time!!" Gai exclaims nervously. "5:03pm, way past our bedtimes Lee-kun! Oro-kun, Sasuke-chan, are you going to sleep now, or would you like Lee-kun to prepare you another energy drink?"

"Actually, I'm exhausted and I think Sasuke-kun is too, so we'll be heading off to bed now. Don't worry about energy drinks; we'll be asleep before we can drink them, haha…ha!" I say, perhaps a little too quickly.

"I'll make up your bed in my room then," says Gai, smiling sexily. "Lee-kun, you know what to do…"

I watch jealously as Lee smiles a little too brightly, grabbing the mortified Sasuke by the arm and saying "Oh, a _sleepover!!_ Aren't you exited Sasuke-kun?"

I soon forget any bad feelings I had about leaving Sasuke alone with the ecstatic Lee, and focus on controlling my pleasure about being with Gai for the night. I follow him into his room and we shut the door behind us.

"It's been too long, Oro-kun…" he says, his back to the door and his fingers lingering on the door handle.

I sit on his king sized, green covered bed. I carefully stick my tongue out again and put all my effort into running it over my pasty white lips without sticking it up my nose. "It has…" I agree, giving a kinky wink in approval.

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**Thanks again to flamablezombie for helping out, although really all she does is say something stupid and I'll write it without her realizing. Muhahaha. Also, thanks to real life Connor for the oily poodle quote… and what's this? Even **more** thanks? Well, that's right!! Thanks to my reviewers TwistedHarmony, Caustic Tempest and finally to Dancing Feather. Oh, and again, I'll be writing more wether you like it or not… licks Orochimaru's eyeballs… that's not supposed to happen!! DX **


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